Eight of Swords
I did a pull of tarot cards for the year. One card for each month. If read with the reverse, It's terrible. Probably one of the worst readings I ever had. If reverses are not read, then it's one of the best. For those that don't know, in Tarot, if a card if flipped upside down then, depending on the deck and the reader, the card can be read as the opposite of what it normally means. There is debate among readers if the cards should be read as such or if reverse is just human error. I often ignore the reverse but that puts me into feeling I stretched or changed the true meaning of the reading to fit a more positive narrative that isn't there.
Either way, the first card I pulled was the right side up Eight of Swords. That in itself is a precarious card. The deck I used is Steam Punk themed. In the card, a woman is on her knees, tied and has binding around her eyes. Around her in an arc are eight swords attached to gears. The swords are implied to be ticking or moving around in a circle, barely not touching her. If she were to move a little, she would get cut. The card embodies my feelings this month to a T.
I feel precariously placed. My emotions are running high and I feel myself shutting down mentally. Small issues are setting me off into spirals. The same things are plaguing me still: My computer, job hunting, house hunting, and feelings of inadequacy. But as these issues persist, I feel my sanity wearing down. I have three interviews this week and instead of being excited, I had a mental breakdown; feeling as though I would never accomplish my goals and be stuck in a monotonous, complacent existence. The idea terrifies me.
All I really desire is to create Elditone. A story I have been working on for 11 years now. However, I feel I have slowed down my progress through my choices and lack the skills and the techniques I need to even start working on it. I went into college for Conservation Biology. Sure, it's something I'm passionate about, but I don't feel fulfilled or proud of a lot of the work I do in it. It's rare for me to ever feel proud of work I have done. Even when growing up, I had that issue. I would procrastinate getting a project or homework done and get pressured into finishing it. I would then be asked "don't you feel better now that it's done?" and I would respond "no." They probably thought I was being a smartass, but I genuinely did not feel better about it. Thinking of things that have made me feel proud or fulfilled recently have been drawing or writing projects. The story I wrote for my class felt solid and finishing that class was awesome. My pixel art for the smaller games I started working on I am also proud of. However, my computer does not have space to fully update game maker studios and even if it did, it has difficulty updating files into the latest version. I may need to cut my losses and export my sprites into another file and continue that work in a different computer.
Usually the uncertainty of the future is an exciting chaos that creates a form of adventure, however I am at a point in my life where that uncertainty seems more like an inhibitor. Between hyperinflation, lack of job opportunities and needing to consider the needs of another, it feels less like "where will I end up?" and more "where will I have to end up?"
~wizoko
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