Of Fear and Therapy

 As my current class comes to an end, I need to look ahead a bit to see what I will need in the upcoming months. I move on from this into Illustration. I'm a little terrified, to be honest. It builds on the knowledge one would have gained in a regular 100 level drawing class. Apparently one of the credits from college that carried over for me was my drawing class. It seems this one will also use pencils and large paper. I might need to make a trip to the craft store later this week for a few things. I have the constant feeling that I will be sub par at this course; believing my classmates would have been drawing consistently their whole lives, making this class another introductory coding class for me where everyone already knows everything and are just taking the course because they have to. I could prepare by watching through the udemy class on drawing I purchased years ago but never finished. 


In other news, however, I finally purchased a new computer. Significantly more powerful than my previous one. It's able to play Borderlands 3 at a consistent 120 frames per second (I did limit it to such) while streaming. I'm still at a point where I don't believe I own such a powerful system. I never thought I would have such a thing. It's almost overwhelming now how many games I can actually play and stream. My last stream was just B3 but I sat there a while trying to think of what I should play. I had quite a few saved for when I got a new PC. Kingdoms of Amalur, Cyberpunk 2077, Doom Eternal. But I also have games I needed to finish like The Ruined King and Hades. I think I'll be set for streams for a while. There was a small issue when I set it up where it would not turn on. After much frustration, I found one of the motherboard wires wasn't fully clicked into the power. 


Having this computer now, I must commit to my endeavor even more so. I don't have the excuse of having an inferior device. The thought overwhelms me. And the question arises: should I continue with GameMaker Studio 2, making my small 2D games or make the switch to Unreal and commit full time to that. Or should I just work with both? I suppose I haven't learned much about 3D games just yet so I should probably keep going with GMS2. I just hope my files transfer over. At least my sprites.


As for my mental health, it has not been well. The constant, fruitless job and house hunts, feelings of inadequacy, the collapse of society into a fascist hellscape on top of my Executive Dysfunction are wearing on me. Last week I had a day and a half long mental breakdown leading both my mother and fiancé to suggest I seek therapy. I agree with them, but I also hate doctors appointments. I have an innate rebellious or spiteful attitude. I'm not trying to brag or seem cool here; I'm just stating that when somebody tells me to do something, I immediately don't want to do it. Even if it was something I was going to do anyway. I think that might carry over to therapy. Finding a therapist, however, is a stressor in itself. Do I want a male or female? Will it matter? What specialisms do I need in a therapist? How far am I willing to travel? When I move, will I need to find another one? I am limited by which ones take my insurance. So at least it narrows it down a little. I considered doing one of the phone app therapist things. Although I don't know how in depth they go.


I hurt my ankle a couple days ago. I'm not sure how, but I sit on my feet a lot. It's habit and it's comfortable to me. But I couldn't walk after standing up from my chair one night. The pain carried over to the next morning, but after my fiancé pulled on it, it felt better. now it's just sore/tired. In the divot between the frontmost tendon and the bone that sticks out the outside (Lateral Malleolus) there is a floating bump. If that doesn't go away, I will have to pay my doctor a visit. I'd rather not because it's an hour drive (it is my driving foot) and, as I stated before, I hate doctors appointments. I'd rather not have to listen to my doctor berate me on my weight. I am really trying to work on it, and I don't need them making me feel worse about it than I already do. In all honesty, it's probably just strained tendons after knocking the Malleolus out of place by sitting on my foot. 


All in all, I am emotionally exhausted.


~wizoko

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