Hopes and Dreams


    Dreams are such a terrible thing to have. They're a burden on the mind and each minute you spend not attempting to accomplish such dreams is torture. I often wonder if giving up is the best idea. It would be less of a burden on myself, but I may loathe my existence more so than I do now. Giving up on a dream feels just as bad as holding on to them. Once you have them, you've sealed your fate to a form of suffering. Perhaps that's just me, and I'm speaking to the void while living in a constant state of self loathing. Or perhaps I have too many dreams and I just get overwhelmed by everything required for each one and I shut down mentally and resort to distractions or half-ass part of a project only to realize I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. 

    I know what you're going to say: How's therapy going? It's not. Within the three weeks since I was supposed to start, We have had one session which just went through my family history. We only got through half of it anyway. I know a lot about my family, and there is a lot to tell. Not bad stuff necessarily, just stuff. Like how my great grandparents ran a nudist colony. My therapist had family issues and sickness meaning we held no sessions. 

    I just finished a book about Druidry and how to be a Druid. It sounded nice and in line with how I already perceive the world. It's kind of like a Western version of Taoism but with more of a focus on nature and doing rituals. I often wonder if I lived back in the time where things like being a Druid was a job, if I would be one. Sounds relaxing and fulfilling. 

    I don't often feel fulfilled or proud of my accomplishments. They all seem like I didn't do it myself, half-assed or they weren't something I even wanted to do. One example being college. I almost resent my time there. I spent it going in with a plan to get a degree in something in science to get money and satiate my parents goals for me, get a job, and spend my off time working towards my games. Obviously, that plan is not working out like I hoped at all. Even while I was there, I wished I took more classes in music, acting or art of some kind. But my schedule didn't allow for it. I took one acting class and loved it. I later ran into that professor who exclaimed how he wished I took more classes with him cuz he loved how I did. That broke my heart. I didn't want to attend graduation. I didn't care. I didn't care about my degree and I didn't feel accomplished for getting it. It was a means to an end. 

    Recently I got a part time job as a nature educator. My fiancĂ©'s mother said she was proud of me for getting it. She has said it four times already. And it feels more like an insult. I know it shouldn't feel like that, but it does. All this time searching for work I didn't even want, going to great lengths to pad out my resume with certifications and seasonal positions, applying since 2017, and putting on my best fake smile and being overtly friendly, making interviewers laugh, only to get this. I find this as nothing to be proud of. However, I do want to say: I like this job. The people are fun and I don't feel like I'm being constantly watched and judged on my performance. There's a lot of flexibility with how I do things. I also get to work with animals, which is basically the best part of being in my field. I held a Screech Owl today. Their name was Otis. 

    These socks are probably the first thing in a while I've genuinely been proud of. My first knitting project. I will say: If you ever get into knitting, don't make socks your first project unless you have a professional nearby to help with your many fuck-ups. I started them almost two years ago, broke the needles twice and had to fix a multitude of mistakes. But I finished them. I'm almost afraid to wear them now. 

    I kinda feel like these posts are getting pretty winey. They've become more a documentation of me sorting out my thoughts as opposed to my journey into making games. You could argue that this is part of it, I suppose. But it's a weird feeling seeing the number of viewers go up over time. Like what are you all thinking when reading these? Should I add in memes and more jokes? Random animal fun facts?
(I've been experimenting with drawings to make kinda animated things)

~wizoko


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