Four of Pentacles

 

    A very strange card that has two potential meanings. Either it tells me to save money or to spend it. With how my life is now, I hardly know which. 

    People will always say that it is better to save money, but what's the point of savings if you never spend it? I've always been a tad stingy with my money; always fearing that I would run out. While in college I didn't have a source of income. In AmeriCorps I was paid about $3 an hour and was on food stamps. Since then, I've only had seasonal positions that paid a little above state minimum. I've never felt financially stable, however my savings weren't bad all things considered. I wouldn't spend my money on many things compared to someone like my brother or fiancé; opting to really plan out and save for any purchases outside of the necessities. My computer was a huge purchase for me that I had planned for years before I actually put in the order. Living away from my parent umbrella gives its own set of financial grievances. I'm just fortunate enough to have a fiancé who is willing to take care of all that I can't. Regardless, I have been able to save a bit even though my current job is only part time at the same I've been paid as my other jobs. 

    If I had to guess, the card is telling me to save. With a wedding coming up in only a year and a couple months as well as the desire to buy a house, my savings may soon be decimated. It doesn't help when I have a speeding ticket I may have to pay and I'm taking classes. I will admit my mother has been helping with the cost of the classes, but the cost of the textbooks are killing me. Which is unfortunate considering the books are barely ever used. 

    Speaking of my class, it's going....alright. It's the first really important class: 3D Modeling and Animation. Thing is, my usual way of doing the work not long before its due is stressing me out. But it also doesn't help when the professor just keeps saying vocab words without really explaining what they are. My grades are in a normal B range so far. Well, normal for me.

    As for work, I've been getting tired of it. A part time position that basically assigns work at seemingly random times doesn't feel like it's part time. Almost feels like I'm constantly on call. Many days I find myself waiting for hours on end in between programs, debating if it's even worth going home for a bit. Too many of my days feel like a wash because of how my programs are spaced. As if I've had a full 8 hour day but only able to log like 3 hours. How am I expected to even have another source of income if they expect me to just be available. And don't even get me started on weekend programs. That shit sucks. People keep saying things like "oh your job is so cool. I wish I could do that." But I'm over it. The only really fun part of it is working with animals. Everything else is getting to me and I'm realizing more and more that I really don't like kids. Sorry Mom and Dad.

    I'm waiting to hear back from a position for DEEP I may have mentioned in a different post. While it would be full time, with benefits and medical, I still dread the idea of it. It'll be one of three positions in permitting. Basically being a bureaucratic pencil pusher. With a full time job, I fear I would have even less time to do the things I want to. 

    I find the more time that passes, the less I look forward to. You'd think having a potential government job, and upcoming wedding, and taking classes towards a dream would make life an exciting wonder. Instead I just feel the weight of responsibility and the stranglehold of society slowly suffocate me as if any attempt to do good is thwarted simply because I exist. 

    I finished the second game recommendation list. I know it took a while. I'm still working on my first animation. It's slow going because I'm trying to figure this all out on my own. 

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