The Magician

 

    

    The Magician is a very important card to me, and the card I pulled for November. Part of the reason I named the blog what I named it and why I use mage imagery in my online persona. To anybody who believes people have a card that represents them like a lot of the zodiac sites say, this is my card. Numbered 1, this Major Arcana depicts a dignified man holding or surrounded by the four suits of the cards: Cups, Pentacles, Swords and Wands which each represent the four elements of Water, Earth, Air and Fire respectively. One hand is held up while the other points downward depicting a connection to both the divine and the physical world. The figure 8 or infinity symbol is his connection to the eternal, raised above his head like a halo or the crown chakra. Some cards like the classic cards also depict him with a snake around his waist eating its own tail. A representation of Ouroboros, which also symbolizes the eternal.

    The tarot tell a life story. The story of the 0 card: The Fool. The magician is the first person he meets. He is the embodiment of all. A collection of knowledge and understanding. Able to manifest his desires by utilizing all these tools at his disposal. He acts as a tangible representation of the Fool's final goal. Something to become or to exceed. This trope is seen in a lot of things such as Obi wan in Star Wars or Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter. This is the card of dreamers who wish to take action. The card of those who wish to manifest their desires. 

    The more time goes on, the more I feel myself bursting at the seams with ideas with little to no way to get them out. The glass wall. It weirdly physically pains me to sit down to work on these ideas. I'm not sure if it's fear of my lack of skills or the overwhelming amount of work that needs to go into one idea that causes me to shut down. The loss of my cat hasn't helped my declining mental state, either. I keep finding excuses to not work on things which only serves to make my daily life more of a hassle. The biggest one now being "I'm taking classes to learn how to make what I want so that counts" It certainly isn't enough and doesn't cover everything.

    Every job post I see now fills me with contempt and vitriol. Masked by fake positivity and hopefulness. Knowing damn well that each posting sounds like a fucking nightmare, but my dwindling savings forces me to be what I don't want to be. I've probably said all of this in a previous post, but this is a blog to update on my life. The contempt hasn't changed. If anything it's gotten worse. As a child, I often thought I didn't belong in this world. In college I thought child me was dumb and overdramatic. As an adult, I see that child me was probably right.

    I hope that the stress of not creating will drive me to create. I find my daydreams to be shifting from building weird fantasy world to ACTUALLY building those fantasy worlds. I have ideas that should be games, but others that should be graphic novels, animations, songs. Things I can do now. I feel lost as to how I can even start or if I'm doing any of it right. I have nobody to really compare to. I don't have an Obi wan to show me how to create like they do. Like I'm floating in space, hoping something bumps into me to save me when in all actuality I need to use up some of my air supply to propel me forward or I'll be stuck, too afraid to waste my precious air. 

    I'm aware of the more melancholy nature of my posts, so I'll end on a more lighthearted update. My fiancé and I have been applying to get cats. It started with a deep dive into the temperament of Maine Coons when I found one that I thought was too adorable not to apply for. His name was Bandersnatch. It got adopted, but that didn't stop my doomscrolling of petfinder. I have two applications out now, one for a pair of black kittens and one for a pair of grey ones. I met the black ones at an open adoption event that happened about two days after I sent in the application. I ended up playing with them for over two hours. One of the grey kittens is missing an eye which really tugged at my heartstrings. I ordered one of those cat backpacks in hopes I can get one accustom to adventuring around with me. I wonder if I should have gotten the portable litter box too, but I got the cheaper bundle option, for obvious reasons. When I told my mother I was planning on getting another cat, she showed her support by saying I am a great pet owner. I don't know why but it made me cry. I guess when you feel like you're failing at everything, some confirmation that you did something right hits hard. She got her cousin in on it, too because of her connection to shelters. So now I get texts about various cats that need adopting. It really brightens my day but also makes me sad that I can't adopt them all.

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