Knight of Wands



Inspiration and passion drives this card. Often times this card depicts a knight clad armor with yellow accents, often sporting the salamander, which is often associated with fire. He sit's on top a horse that seems ready for action. In this deck, however, it just depicts a well dressed woman with a cane sword at the ready as if they are about to use it. It is a card of action. Bringing with it the idea to create that which you previously planned. 

I suppose I'll continue in this format at least another year. I did my drawing last month and there's no overlap in cards.

I know It's been a while since I posted. I could lie and say I was busy, but really I was just distracted. That being said, nothing really happened last month. That month was the King of Swords which is about mental clarity and staying open to ones intuition. Seemed more like quiet contemplation.

My birthday was on the 3rd. As I start to approach 30, I don't really feel much different than I did when I was 20. If anything, I feel more in shape. So that's good. Although it makes me feel like I'm failing at being good at things. Like I fail to find time to improve at drawing or music and I'm running out of time. But those who have read my previous posts have heard this song and dance before. 

As for classes, I've been taking 3D character animation. Learning how to rig a skeleton to a model was a long and arduous process. Animating after that, however, was a lot easier. I don't have to worry about random model issues as much. But the work for this class is time consuming and I'm finding myself struggling to plan anything else throughout the week in a way where I can still get my work done. By extension, streaming has become a stressor for me.

My fiancé has taken to watching craft streamers. Streamers that just knit, draw, paint, ect. Many of these streamers boast large numbers of viewers and claim getting to affiliate within a month of starting. Now I know I'm not a craft streamer, but this information kills my mood. I've been streaming nearly every week for a couple years now and I struggle to get more than 1-2 people a stream. I've updated tags for the algorithm, played niche and popular games, and really put myself out there, all for little to no results. I know my play schedule is chaotic, because it has to be. Work is random where I could work early mornings or late at night. no two weeks are the same. I'm not sure if this lack of consistency is why or if I'm just another face among millions, but it's starting to feel pointless. Don't get me wrong, I do overall enjoy it, but it's disheartening to realize that most successful streamers are successful early on. 

It also plays into my feelings of inadequacy. I've applied for hundreds of jobs I am varying levels of qualified for, only to never hear back. Even at my current job where I'm just considered part time, I'm losing out on hours and promotions to people who started recently. I've been working there for almost a year now, and while it's the first job I've really enjoyed, I still feel like they're holding me at arms length. Maybe I'm just generally an unwanted person

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