The year lost

 

I don't even remember how long it's been since my last post. I had one drafted out that I never finished. Everything just got in the way. I guess I will catch us up to speed.

If I recall, I last left off at our search for a new house. We ended up getting a bid accepted for a home not too far from where we were living before. When looking at the house the first time, it was raining and we saw a white cat taking shelter under the houses overhang. We almost took it as a sign that this was gonna be our house. When we met with the previous homeowners, they told us that there are a few cats around that were left behind by other neighbors when they moved away and they've been feeding them. Now as a conservation biologist, I don't condone outdoor cats, nor calling them into a specific area. The damage was done, however, so we began to try and befriend and catch them. We noticed there were a few kittens around as well. After getting bitten by the tabby in the photo above, we ended up working with the shelter we got our other cats from. We borrowed traps and managed to catch three kittens and two adults. The adults were too feral so we got them fixed and released. We still feed them around our house. We named the female Linlin and the male Kaido. The three cats we caught were all siblings. They had another sibling who disappeared before we could catch them, unfortunately.

This one is Perona. She was very angry and injured me a few times. Slowly, however, she began to scratch less, and then hiss less. Now she purrs loudly whenever she sees me and sleeps by my feet.

This one is Usopp (I'm sure some of you might be sensing a theme). He's named so because he was the most scared. Even now he rarely comes to socialize with us. Before using traps, I tried to grab him by surprise. It ended up with a well bitten hand and our cat Rennala shredding my leg. After getting rabies shots, we went with the less direct approach. He is starting to warm up to us and will let us pet him. He has a ravenous appetite and loves catnip. Both him and Perona are polydactyl, meaning, they have extra thumbs.

Third, we have Mihawk. Even when he was a scared kitten in a cage, he showed signs of being sweet and affectionate. While the other two wouldn't move from the corner, Mihawk would get excited and rub his face against things when he saw our other cats. He was the first one we gave more freedom to. Originally, he was supposed to be adopted out to my brother, however, he's bonded strongly to me and I can't let him go now. He'll sit on my lap during streams now too. 

What's next it my wedding. Yes I got married. Our wedding was Viking/Norse themed. I dressed in a long tunic, boots and pants that tuck into the boots as well as a circlet and earrings. It was a great wedding. No real complaints. 

Soon after, I was let go from my contract with Eversource. They said I wasn't doing enough work. That's reasonable considering nobody would give me any work to do. Instead now I am being sent up to Maine for entire weeks to photograph distribution poles. It sucks and it's why I haven't been streaming. I'm waiting to hear back from a contract in RI, but in the meantime, I'm applying to other positions outside ECI.

The change to Maine works out a bit because I finished my class a week prior. And with that, I am done with my degree. My capstone was my portfolio. For it I wanted to showcase what I learned. So, instead of refining my previous projects, I made one from scratch. I was going to rig and animate it too. With everything going on and a busted septic pipe, I barely got the model done. I'll post a link here to the portfolio so your guys can see it. My final grade was a B-. Passing, but a little underwhelming.

https://wizoko.artstation.com

Without going into more detail, that covers it. I feel like everything I do is inadequate and I don't deserve to feel accomplished. I just got a college degree. Something many people wish they could have. I feel nothing. I thought I would gain some confidence and improve on my work, but it all feels amateur. I spend hours on the details, only to be met with something that looks like a child made it. I still don't have a drive to create anything. This year marks the start of my Saturn Return. Astronomically, it's a time when Saturn returns to the place in the sky it was when you were born; about 30 years. In astrology, Saturn (or Chronos) governs the planet and he forces you to grow up. He forces you to give up the weights of your childhood and find yourself. For a lot of people, it means giving up on dreams. But dreams are all I have. I feel lost having ideas I want to make but not the drive or skills to create them. Looking a head at my current career path doesn't feel good. It looks depressing. It looks emotionally empty. It looks like death. Because of this, I've been on one of the most intense depressive spirals I have ever experienced. I'm trying to go into the new year with confidence and positivity, but just doing that has been exhausting. 

I almost completed my new office, so hopefully I can move my stuff there soon and return to YouTube and have a more consistent stream schedule. I also want to update this blog more often. Maybe not every month but every couple months or when I have an idea to share. I probably won't do the tarot card thing this year. Thank you all who have been with me here despite my absence. I know nobody comments on these but I still appreciate the views. Makes it feel like I'm not just talking to the void.